Appreciation

The third skill we must master to have a healthy relationship is Appreciation. Why is it so hard for people to show they appreciate another? What does it mean to appreciate someone? Why do we demand it even while we refuse to give it to even those we love?

When I worked in law enforcement I was discouraged at the training I received on how to deflect conflict with someone I was in disagreement with. The course presenter received $10,000 to teach us techniques that would keep us from getting into fights and gave one example that we should say, "I 'ppreciate that." When asked what that meant he said, "You can pretend you appreciate their perspective, but remain calm by knowing you are making-up a word that actually sounds appreciative but is not." When I challenged why to lie is better than to be genuinely appreciative, I was shut down and belittled in front of my peers (all men). What is so bad about showing appreciation? I'll tell you...vulnerability. People don't like being vulnerable.

In order to show appreciation one must be willing to say they see the good in another and acknowledge that good out loud. It is not genuine appreciation when we see but do not speak, or when we minimize the good another does by being selective in our appreciation, or when we choose only to see what is acceptable in our own eyes. Selfishness and pride keeps us from acknowledging the good in others because we may have to accept that we are not as good as they are. This means we must have humility and accept our own imperfections and that might mean accepting the other person's perspective is right and our perspective might be wrong. OMG, no wonder appreciation is hard for people do give to another...FEAR!

So how do we overcome the fear of vulnerability? Stop making it about you. Nothing is lost when you appreciate the good work of another. You are not in a competition. You don't have to be "better" than them. You don't have to put them down so you can lift yourself up. You don't have to pretend appreciation fearing they may take advantage of you. Your acknowledging their good does not equate to you being bad. All that fear has no basis in reality and is a figment of your imagination. Give appreciation without expectation of anything in return. You compromise yourself and become vulnerable to control only when you give with an agenda. This is not appreciation, this is manipulation. Give because it feels good to bless someone. Share with them the good you see in them. You could be the only one who has ever shared you see their goodness. It's seeing them through the lens of good when most people only hear about the bad. Bless them and you'll be blessed. It just might be the gift that keeps on giving.

If you'd like to learn how to live intentional, check out my book of the same name: Live Intention. Live the life you always wanted, but never believed you could. Available at Barns and Noble, Amazon, and iTunes https://www.christianfaithpublishing.com/books/?book=live-intentional