Affection Intersection

The fourth skill to building healthy relationships is Affection. What does it mean to be affectionate and why is it one of life's most sought after need? Men complain that their wives are not affectionate and women complain that men think only of sex. Why is there such a disconnect with it comes to affection and why is it the first thing we withhold in a disagreement? How do two people who have taken different paths find their way back to oneness?

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife;

and they shall become one flesh."

Genesis 2:24

People say that the opposite of love is hate, but this is not true. The opposite of love is apathy. I don't care about you or your needs is more hateful than saying, "I hate you." Hate is an emotion rooted in passion and therefore can be altered. This is why people have "make up sex" because elevated emotions can create arousal sexually. Love and hate can be two sides of the same coin. But when someone says they don't have any feelings for you, that is more difficult to overlook, forgive, and repair. This is why sex is not the same as making love. When someone says or shows they don't care anymore that's when affection dies.

How does a couple come back from uncaring to a place where they care again? It's not about feelings. You won't care again by trying to change your feelings. You must choose to care even when you don't feel like it. I have heard couples shamelessly tear down their partners in session and rip them to shreds because they have hurt feelings. It makes sad because I wonder if this lack of restraint is less than what they do in private or in front of their children. The anger and disdain one person has for another is like an explosive going off and the one dropping the bomb feels justified to blame the other for the fallout. People cannot tolerate this type of emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse and will most often leave the relationship. I feel for those people who would have stayed and worked it out if their partner would only have given them the opportunity to change.

I have been privileged to save many marriages and relationships where two hurt people are willing to come together to learn how to stop the dysfunction. When two people come into therapy with a desire to fix, repair, repent, and ask forgiveness a new relationship can be created. With the new relationship foundation, the family can begin to heal and children can learn what a healthy relationship looks like. They also benefit from seeing and experiencing the affection as much as the couple. Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes of the past, therapy can help a couple gain the skills and wisdom necessary to move beyond the brokenness to a life where affection flows freely and love abounds.

The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.

African Proverb

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